On coaching, consulting & therapy

2012-01-29T06:12:00.000-08:00

On opportunities...

In the wise words of Freeman Dyson, the quantum physicist and mathematician: "do not imagine that you have to know everything before you can do anything. My own best work was done when I was most ignorant. Grab every opportunity to take responsibility and do things for which you are unqualified."

This is about learning, stretching boundaries, allowing for new opportunities and chartering new courses.
It's about wondering what else can be done and how. What else is not impossible.

This is not just about risk-taking.
It is about life-living.

Which opportunities can you grab today?

More to follow soon...

Ella

ella@lifefacilitationinstitute.com
Twitter: @LfibyElla
www.lifefacilitationinstitute.com

2012-01-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

On following your heart...

I was listening to my client intently, making direct eye contact, when I realized I had never seen him smile.
There was this serious man, taking himself very seriously, having serious opinions and a rigid view of others. He seemed intent on rationalizing every move, decision, performance, dynamic and strategy.
"When did you last follow your heart when making a corporate decision?" I suddenly asked.
He looked at me inquisitively, and said nothing for a moment."Never" he replied "there is no place for sentiments here."
"I have never seen you smile..." I said gently.
There was a long pause. And then, slowly, a wide, relieved smile spread across his face.
"Now our work really starts" I added, and he said: "Indeed."

Not following your heart can slowly destroy your soul

Are Men from Mars and Women from Venus?..

2011-10-26T14:19:00.001-07:00

I am not convinced that Males are from Mars and Women from Venus.

But...it appears that there are differences between professional, entrepreneurial women and men in how they run their business and in the results they achieve.

Many women possess strong communication skills, social intelligence and common sense. They are sharp judges of character, and good at making quick social connections.

These traits generally go hand in hand with good listening skills. It increasingly seems that Board of Directors seek women, not because they are required by law to diversify, but because women bring something extra lacking in a men-only group. Is that "extra" good instincts, a higher emotional intelligence level, sensitivity, openness, willingness to cooperate and compromise?

Women can turn relationships from formal to friendly - by being empathetic, caring and creating an environment of cooperation, team work, heightened creativity, balanced decisions, deeper engagement, stronger motivation and a warmer, non-threatening atmosphere.

Paradoxically, the digital economy requires these skills, and women may enjoy a slight edge over their male counterparts if they stay focused, consistent and relevant.

If it is true that women are more risk (and conflict) averse, as some may suggest, that in itself could lower their stress level and competitive edge. Also, if women seek more work-live balance, they will be more prone to understanding their employees' familial issues and offer flexible solutions.

But, it seems that on average, men-owned firms are larger and more successful than women's. Men-led firms tend to have more employees and generate more income. Is it because men feel the burden of supporting their families more so than women? Women may run a business because they like what they do, and they juggle work and home responsibilities, even if that limits their financial success. For the generation of women 40 (or so) and up, one reason could be the contradictory messages that they received growing up, about their roles as business leaders and mothers/wives.

The new generation of women will see sky as their only limit. They will grow up with a sense that they belong in the entrepreneurial arena, and they will deservedly do as well, or better, than their male counterparts.

Please send your comments to: lifefacilitation@gmail.com
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

More to follow soon,

Ella
www.lifefacilitationinstitute.com
914.705.4500

On Happiness. Again.

2011-10-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

One study recently claimed that people with a $75,000 income peak are more likely to be happy. I am wondering how this study was conducted, and wheher it has presumed biases, and which. In any case, there is now a field called "psychology of happiness", and books are being written, formulas distributed and advice provided on how to be happy.
Like in business, there is the short and the long-term view.
Want to be happy in the short-term? Go do some shopping, have your nails done, get a new gadget.
Want a meaningful life? Find a job that you love, go meet friends, travel, cultivate your relationships, love your family, invest in your children's future, invest in your own physical and mental well-being.
Experience life to the fullest will increase your sense of challenge, satisfaction, enrich your soul, raise your happiness level.
Shopping spree: $ 5,000
Have a fulfilling life: Priceless.

More to follow soon...
Ella
www.lifefacilitationinstitute.com
914.705.4500

2011-08-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

The Happiness Debate... Is happiness a decision?...

We all want to be happy. Happiness makes us feel, well.. happy, confident, content, light, even invincible. For some, it seems to come naturally. Perhaps they have a genetic disposition for happiness?

But for many, these past couple of years have given little reason for happiness - economic crisis, market vicissitudes, lack of leadership, uncertainty about the future...

To be happy, most people need a stable income, work they enjoy, a loving family, supportive friends, a hobby, all of which create purpose, meaning and fulfillment.

Happiness can mean accomplishing plans, being financially successful, living in peace with oneself. It is about a life worth living.

Let's focus on happiness and see if we can bring it out from within. Worldly and daily concerns may distract us, so how about...

1. We take happiness seriously? It may not just come up, it is something to create and maintain.
2. Know what makes you happy and go for it. Invest in the feeling. Take time to live with fulfillment and content. Do things that bring you joy and satisfaction.
3. Decide to be happy today. Now. What can you lose?... If it's not in your genes, it could come from your brain.

Tell me what makes YOU happy. I will post all your comments in my next blog.

More to follow soon...
Ella

www.lifefacilitationinstitute.com
lifefacilitation@gmail.com

2011-03-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

On Choices...

In an era where there is too much of everything, happiness and fulfillment can be hard to find.
We try to fill the emptiness by buying things. But there is too much of many things: clothes at stores, electronic gadgets, too many cereals at the supermarket aisle, financial products, e-commerce sites, etc., an inflation of choices, leaving us perplexed, confused, and often unhappy anyway.

So how can we find happiness? Can something external lead to it?

The wealth of products is coupled with the minimization of how we communicate. Twitter, FB, texting, blogs -- the shorter, the better. We short-change our own attention span, then sit in front of the TV, pathetically hitting the remote control trying to find a channel among hundreds of channels...

If you can't say it in 140 characters, say nothing.

Much can be said about finding happiness, but in 140 characters or less: slow down, invest in meaningful relationships, do what you love, create a life that fits you, be with people you love, find fulfillment in all you do.

More to follow soon...
Ella
www.llifefacilitationinstitute.com

Are you worried?...

2011-02-14T09:16:00.000-08:00

Worry is a bad habit.
But it also serves a purpose: to provide a sense of [false] control, and to detract us from finding real, applicable solutions.

Can you identify what you worry about? How does your worrying list look like?
Can you point out how worrying about certain issues advance their resolution?
Is your worry based on fear of the unknown or on real facts?
Over time, does your worry help you better cope with difficult situations?
Does it really serve you well?

Worry weakens, paralyzes and prevents us from seeking solutions.
It provokes anxiety, stress and jeopardizes our immune system. Often times, it is wasted energy, and an exhausting state of mind.

Worry is a behavior we adopted and interpret as a form of love and use as a coping strategy.

We can kick the habit.
Would you like to?

Let me know.
Ella

On Friendship and Lack thereof…

2010-12-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

One of the most satisfying and comforting relationships we have in life: our circle of friends.

Friends make us feel happier, supported and confident. Having someone to share life’s vicissitudes with, get advice from, gossip with, rely on, kvetch and laugh with enriches us, empowers us, and makes us healthier.

Having even one or two friends makes a difference and makes life easier and more bearable.

There are many types of friendships. We have childhood friends – those on whom we can count on for anything, and who know us best. Friends accumulated throughout the years, others we meet on occasion but with whom each meeting feels like a natural continuation of the previous conversation. Time and space evaporate, and we just pick up where we left off. Friends we travel with, cry with and cook with. Others with whom we have long talks and walks – the more we talk, the more we have things to say...

All positive connections make our days sweeter.

Unfortunately, some friendships do not survive over time, as people grow in different directions, adopt differing values, make different lifestyle choices.

If the relationship becomes too imbalanced, it could be hard to maintain. A certain level of similarities and common interests needs to be in place to feed the relationship. Wide inequities can lead to jealousy, resentment, misunderstandings, conflicting interests, or lack of interest. Recognize that sometimes we need to back-off and respect the space, distance and separation and let the friendship evaporate.

The close friendly circle that remains around us will be our buoy as we float on the waves of life, holding hands with those we deeply care about.

More to follow soon…

Ella

Instant Gratification – Is wanting it NOW good for you and your business?

2010-12-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

We live in a fast-moving world. Your computer, Blackberry, and other electronic gadgets help you stay connected instantaneously. But technology is both a blessing and a curse. It has raised your expectations, and the expectations of those around you, about how quickly things need to get done. And because you’re able to do more than one thing at a time, you do. You talk on the phone, email, chat on-line, and text, all at once. Working this way doesn’t work because you’re functioning on urgency mode.
First, it sabotages your mood. Your stress level goes up when you become totally overwhelmed by information overload from too many places at the same time. You feel irritated and even anxious when the computer takes too long to boot up, when Google is not quick enough with the search results you want, when employees don’t answer your emails instantly. You snap at employees, colleagues, loved ones.
Second, it devalues your relationships. You’ve turned personal interactions into the equivalent of quick sex. Sure, “quickies” are exciting. They give you an adrenaline rush. They enhance your feelings of power. They’re instant gratification. But they’re superficial and unsatisfying. You may have dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of contacts and “friends” but not many deep relationships. Because relationships take time.
Third, instant gratification tricks you into believing that your business will suffer if you don’t react quickly. In reality, you usually don’t quite complete anything when you’re spending all your time putting out fires.
Guess what? If you slow down, you and your employees can become more productive. You can bring successful closure to issues by taking the time to strategize rather than reacting through emails. You can build more meaningful relationships with your employees. One of my Israeli clients has about 1,700 employees in his very profitable high tech company. He took the time to personalize his relationship with each and every employee. His employees feel valued and are highly motivated because the founder and the corporate environment value them and their contribution to the company. Their importance is not defined by expectations of multi-tasking and urgent responses.
So how can you overcome your addiction to instant gratification?
Learn the difference between what is urgent and what is important. Prioritize and direct your full attention to important matters that deserve your time rather than urgent matters that demand your time.
Set aside time for instant gratification, say, 30 to 45 minutes first thing in the morning, to read emails. Respond to those that require a quick answer and tag and set aside ones that require a more thoughtful response.
Look at each task as it relates to the short-term and long-term objectives of your company. Ask yourself how your action adds to your platform, and how it adds value to your product and company.
Reflect on your work day. If don’t remember what you did, you may be working on too many things at the same time.

Have a happy, meaningful and healthy new year.

More to follow soon...

Ella

Decisions & Dilemmas

2010-12-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

We all face various dilemmas in life. Some dilemmas are straight-forward and require an easy and clear-cut decision: Do I put a formal suit on or should I dress casually? Do I buy the Dell PC or an Apple? Should I eat Chinese, Mexican, maybe French? Other dilemmas are more complicated, for example, do I take a job offer, or not? The decision-making process for these dilemmas is more complex because more factors come under consideration: Does the job match my talents and capabilities? Will it challenge me? What is the company’s culture? Who will I report to? Who will report to me? What will my responsibilities look like? Can I be satisfied with the salary, benefits, and bonuses? Do I have opportunity for growth?
Sometimes dilemmas constitute an excuse not to decide. I recently worked with a client who wanted to change his career from Wall Street stock broker to economics professor. We created a plan to ease his transition, yet he hesitated to go forward. He felt he had an unresolved dilemma, still. Another client negotiated a merger for nearly a year. On the eve of the contract signing, she called me in panic to say she wasn’t sure what to do, and that her dilemma was overwhelming her.
Each of these clients faced a pseudo-dilemma, or what I define as a “post-decision dilemma.” The post-decision dilemma is like getting cold feet or having stage fright and often comes not as a result of a real struggle to make a choice between a few options, but rather as a result of having made a choice. In other words, the dilemma arises after the choice was made and serves as mechanism for second-guessing oneself and undermining one’s decision. The purpose served by a pseudo-dilemma is to cover for the fear of moving from the familiar to the unknown. Such “dilemmas” are really a subtle form of self-defeating behavior. They represent hesitancy about risk, withdrawal to the familiar, reluctance to become proactive and fear of change and failure.
When you are faced with this type of dilemma, it is important to recognize that you:
• have made a decision and your struggle results from it;
• know the right answer and need to regain trust in yourself;
• check your inner compass for fears and self-limitations;
• redefine your objectives;
• will recognize the value of your decision when you follow through;
• need to abandon self-serving mind games;
• must step out of your comfort zone with the familiar; and,
• have to make a commitment to your dreams in order to achieve your goals.
The next time you think you have a “dilemma,” be honest. Identify your choices, evaluate how simple or complicated they appear, and be truthful with yourself about whether you are undermining a decision that you already have made. Don’t cover-up or fool yourself. Once you recognize a post-decision dilemma, you will be able to move forward with your plans and dreams.

More to follow soon...
Ella

Problems and Solutions

2010-10-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

Do you believe every problem has a solution? Do you think everything can be resolved?

Once I heard a student ask during a Middle East graduate course: "Why can't they just shake hands and make peace?"

Sounds familiar?...

Some issues can never be resolved. It's not a fatalistic attitude. It is a simple fact. Accepting it can help let go of tension, conflict, struggle, anger and frustration.
Positioning ourselves to react in productive ways to this fact may empower us. Reframing our thoughts and actions may help too. Trying to create micro changes in our own lives can open the way for better coping mechanism and empower us to deal with non-resolvable issues.

Each day, we face a multitude of challenges, some of which without solutions.
Our approach, however, is what will make all the difference, and our attitude and resolve will pull us from the brink of despair and frustration.
Accepting that we are not all powerful is a way to free ourselves from the sense that we can do it all, and succeed at everything.

That in itself, brings freedom and empowerment.

On motivation or lack thereof..

2010-10-01T06:27:00.000-07:00

When we feel unmotivated, we sometimes become attached to that state of mind, and find it hard to shake ourselves out of it and get back on track. Here are 10 ways to ramp up your motivation.

1. Be a visionary. Have a vision for your company or department and align your colleagues and employees with that vision. Getting them to rally behind you makes you an inspiring, energizing and energized leader.

2.State your goals clearly and loudly. Commit yourself to them publicly to the board, management and employees, so that you are accountable for accomplishing them. Increase the likelihood of achieving your goals by making them manageable, not overwhelming.

3. Discuss plans openly. Initiate a dialogue so that other people feel heard and valued. Their buy-in will help keep you on track.

4. Set personal deadlines. Then stick to them as best you can. To avoid missing deadlines because you keep getting bogged down with other tasks, ask yourself if a particular task is important, urgent, reactive (to a crisis - putting out fires), pro-active, or just a distraction.

5. Find your personal motivation hot button. Some managers are motivated by sales and profits. Others find it in having power, responsibility or a sense of control. Or you may be motivated because you want to prove yourself worthy and successful.

6. Be accountable. Check in on a regular basis with a mentor, or coach. Accountability to someone you respect is a great motivator for executing plans and moving forward.

7. Learn to build on success. Positive reinforcement will push you forward in a meaningful way.

8. Surround yourself with support. Garner support from colleagues in and outside your workplace. Other sources of support can include your coach, family members or friends.

9. Seek ways to improve your skills. Read. Attend courses. Communicate with a mentor on a regular basis. Brainstorm with more experienced people. It's like playing tennis with someone who's better than you.

10. Have high expectations. Hold yourself to high standards so that you avoid disappointing yourself and those who depend on you to get the job done.

More to follow soon...

Ella

Ella Scheinwald, an executive and personal coach who specializes in facilitating client problem-solving, is the founder of LifeFacilitation Institute, Westchester's first integrative coaching academy.

2010-07-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

When we become aware of thoughts or feelings that pull us back, that are consuming and distracting, we need to ask ourselves:

How is this thought or feeling serving me?
How is it working for me?
Do I achieve my objectives by holding onto the thought or feeling?
Is it holding me hostage?
Who will I be without this thought?
Do I want to let it go?
Am I afraid to live without it?
What is the pull that keeps it in my head and heart?
How can I replace this feeling?

These are not easy questions, and the answers will not come up automatically. They will unfold as a result of an exploratory process of self-discovery, awareness, openness and integrity.

Clients often tell me: "I hate myself for feeling this way. I become angry and frustrated, and am stuck with these obsessive thoughts, I don't know what to do".

Yet often, being in that place is exactly what they seek. It is where they feel familiarity and comfort. There is nothing comfortable about it, yet it is the framework that they function in, the pain they most identify with. And they derive benefits.

We can decide what we think.
Believing that thoughts dictate feelings, we can choose what we think.
That is the beginning of transformation and empowerment.

More to follow soon...
Ella

2010-06-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

"As I lay awake last night, worrying about what might go wrong when I'm away on vacation, or on a business trip, I recalled what you had often said to me: worry is a bad habit, it is a filler that we add in to cover up for fears, loss of control and guilt. Yet, I could not shake myself out of it. It became a spiraling downwards experience that quickly overtook my thoughts and overwhelmed me. I became, in the process, my own enemy." As I was listening to my client describe her experience, I recalled similar feelings I used to have when my children were small. I understood her fears, and acknowledged her emotions, her place at that point in time.
So how are these thoughts serving you? I asked..

Thinking honestly about how our thoughts serve us can be a good compass for how we decide to feel. Thinking honestly about worries for the future, no matter what they are, really gives us a sense that we cannot control what will happen. We tend to become over pessimistic, we let catastrophic scenarios filter through our mind, and as we enslave ourselves to these chaotic thoughts, we become more enmeshed with them, and less able to manage them, thus creating our own prophecy: loss of control.
That, in turn, makes us feel guilty and angry.

So how do we stop the spiral? How do we become masters of our own thinking process, how do we position ourselves to dictate what we think, how we feel, and how we behave instead of letting our fears and worries drive us?

These questions have multiple answers, and can be approached from many angles.

The first step would be to recognize we're on a slippery slope. Where we can still become acutely aware that particular thoughts will lead to particular results. At the point where we can tell ourselves: who will be the boss of me? Random, unproductive -probably exaggerated and untrue- thoughts, fears, worries? Or do we take over the thoughts, and reorganize them, de-clutter and clarify them so that we can regain a sense of control and direction?
Negative, scary thoughts will not make you a happy positive person today.
Thus, awareness is the first answer.

More to follow soon...
Ella